Eyes for All
by Shou-Hato
Summary: A series of drabbles in which Matsuda attempts to give/sell random characters the only thing physically left from a certain someone. Crack. Crossovers with random CLAMP series. Spoilers for the end of the series.
1. Clamps and Clones

These are going to be updates rather randomly, whenever inspiration hits.

**NOTE: **You need to be familiar with CLAMP to fully understand the joke.

* * *

Misa woke up when a round object was dangling in front of her face.

"Good Mo-orning, Misa-Misa!" A voice rang loudly from behind her, causing her to jump. The round object that she couldn't make out was no longer there, and she turned around to see Matsuda standing behind her, looking innocently happy. She could almost see the rainbows, smiley faces, and hearts dancing around him.

"Uh… good morning, Matsuda…" She blinked and realized that she was sitting at her desk. Well, at least he didn't come to her when she was in bed or else a hell lot of embarrassment would ensue. "What are you doing here?"

"I have an offer for you, Misa-Misa."

"Oh? No, Misa is not planning on marrying you anytime soon."

"No, Not that! I… wanted to give you something… before _he _comes to eat it. Like he did with another."

_What is he talking about? _"What do you mean? Who is he? Who is going to eat anything? Matsuda, are you-"

She was interrupted when noise came from downstairs and Matsuda started panicking. "Quick, before he'll know I have what he wants! Misa, I'd like to give you-"

"Matsuda," Misa shook her head and put a hand on his shoulder. "_Calm down. _These were just the _neighbors _from _next door. _They _always _do it, whatever they are doing that they must keep so secret."

"Oh, okay! Anyway, I've been having this contained for a while, and it's still fresh, but I couldn't think of anyone else who'd take it, and since you might find it comforting to have it after Light-kun died n' all-"

The same mysterious round object dangled in front of her again, and Misa realized in horror what it was.

"-So you can have Light-kun's_ eye!" _Matsuda finished innocently.

She just stared and stared at him in horror, before the unmoving silence was broken by Matsuda.

"Come on, take it! For _free!"_

"Matsuda…. How did such a _disgusting _idea enter _your_-" Innocent and _un-_perverted, "-mind?"

"Oh, it's a funny story actually! You see, I've been reading a bunch of CLAMP Manga lately-"

"_What _Manga?"

"Clamp Manga. CLAMP are a group of four women who create Manga and I've read a bunch of their Manga, so I noticed that a lot of their characters lost one of their eyes at some point, or just took another character's eye to replace theirs, because it gives them something from the eye's former owner- and anyway, this eye was the only thing left from Light's body so I took it, and then this psycho clone from one of their mangas entered this universe and wanted to have my eye, but I didn't want him to eat it like he did to a magician's eye because Light's eye is so valuable, so I thought you might find comfort by knowing that there is a part of him left like Subaru from X did and- Misa?" He blinked upon realizing that she was no longer there. He shrugged.

"Oh well. She missed a good opportunity. Now I just need to make sure that the psycho clone-thingy doesn't eat that eye."

He turned around to be faced by a certain giddy looking clone.

"_Now _can I have his eye? It looks like it'll taste like chocolate!"


	2. Trees and Threesomes

**Note: Spoilers for X/1999 Volume 17. And Near's real name.**

-

"Hey Near!"

Near continued with the ultra-dull-and-not-colourful puzzle he was putting together, ignoring the voice behind him. How did he manage to not realize what exactly was happening behind him was a mystery of the universe.

"Near?"

No reply. Matsuda, who was standing behind him with an eyes container in his hand, was starting to get frustrated and decided to use a slightly risky method.

"Hey, Nate Rivers?"

Near was brought back to reality at the mention of his real name and turned around, staring at the policeman behind him.

"Matsuda? Wait a minute- how the hell did you ge-?!"

"That's a mystery of the universe, Nate Rivers. Like the meaning of life! Oh, and I have an offer for you."

"Offer?... are you going to propose to me?"

"_NO!" _Matsuda snapped, to his own surprise. "I wanted to give you Light-kun's eye!"

"No thanks."

"Please!" And once again the far-too-ironic rainbows danced around Matsuda, because Near wasn't supposed to have the ability to see colorful things and he somehow saw the rainbows of all joy and innocence hopping around Matsuda, with the puppy dog eyes and the such… irresistible… cuteness… that only, he, Near, himself…the…cutest…kid…at Wammy's…could…rival…

_Must resist cuteness, must resist cuteness, _Repeating this mantra in his mind, Near declined once again, trying to keep that black expression on without staring when Matsuda started to emit a rainbow glow and then he started to… sparkle and gleam? Then came… rainbow bubbles?

What the hell was going _on? _Matsuda continued to beg and beg of him to take it, but with every single syllable, he sparkled more and the bubbles, rainbows and glow increased so much that Near wondered for a moment why no one was still blinded by the light it all caused.

"Gevanni?"

"Hmm?"

"Dial 555-U-R-D-E-A-D-H-A for me, please."

"But sir, that's the number of the Sa-"

"_Gevanni."_

"Oh, Okay…" Gevanni did as requested and soon the monitors lit up with pictures of a…tree.

"Hello, Sakura Tree-San." Near forced himself to look away from the cuteness and the rainbow light and turn to the screen._ What the- is he talking to the tree?_ Matsuda thought in confusion as the light caused by the aura of happiness, innocence and cuteness disappeared (due to the fact that his mind was no longer concentrated of causing the rainbows and the rainbow light that was caused by what he caused Near to see) _Okay, a notebook that kills people is one things but talking to a tree is just ridiculous-_

"Is Subaru Sakurazukamori-san here?" Near continued with his question. Suddenly a voice spoke into everybody's minds:

_No, he's not here half of the time anyway._

"... I see. What happened now?"

_He's angsting. _

"...Angsting _again? _Geez, Tree, you must be hungry…"

Matsuda blinked. What was going on? Was Near talking to the _tree? _But then how…

_Hell Yeah! Oh, and cute policeman guy, yes, this is the tree talking to you all through your mind and I am the Sakura tree of the Sakurazukamori that the Sakurazukamori, the serial killer, feeds. _The voice spoke again. _And, anyway, hell yeah! Goddamit, Subaru sucks so _much _as the new Sakurazukamori, so much that he ends up forgetting to _feed me,_ and he like, puts his hand through a guys stomach instead of the chest, and it's so ugh! So darnn unfashionable!_

"Well, not everyone could be the perfect, fashionable, sexy, good-at-killing-u Sakurazukamori like me, no?" A voice said suddenly.

Everybody stared at the three figures that suddenly were sitting at the branch of Tree-San. One was a Black-haired man in a pair of sunglasses and a fashionable, elegant black suit with a black tie. What was strange about him, though, that he was sitting on a branch and not falling (which sounded very impossible for a man who look like he was 34 years old), until everyone realized that he had a halo floating above his head, accompanied by a pair of angel wings. The figures sitting next to him were…

"Light-kun? Ryuuzaki- or should we say, L?" Matsuda gasped as he realized they too had halos and angel wings, though he shouldn't have been so surprised because they were dead. "And who are you?" He asked the man. Every person in the room was now shocked by Matsuda's stupidity.

"Good Question! I am Seishiro Sakurazuka, and you are now dead. Ha!"

Silence. The crickets suddenly started chirping, which meant there was no silence anymore.

"Oh, I get it! I should have misspelled it to work properly! Ahem, I am Seishiro Sakurazuka, nd u r nau ded. Ha!"

Nothing happened.

_Seishiro, this secret technique doesn't work anymore nau dat u r ded. Ha! _Tree said with amusement.

"Oh. I see." Seishiro paused. "Bomer. That sucks. Too bad. Yep. But I'll live. Yup… it sucks but it's okay. Too bad. Bomer. It's okay though. Bomer. That sucks. Too bad…"

Seishiro kept repeating that mantra quietly to himself, and was soon ignored as the people of the Room turned their attention towards the two other people.

"L. Light. What a pleasure to see you two." Near said calmly, ignoring that fact that Light was staring at the eye in Matsuda's hands. "What caused you two to come here?"

" Well, apparently there is not hell and you go to heaven and have a shitload lot of fun over there, but it sucked because the cake in heaven was crap and it was quite boring," L explained. "And then we met Seishiro san who was given an opportunity to come back here for a while so he took us with us and we wanted something too." L finished, slowly turning red as he gestured for Light to continue, snapping him out of his trance.

"…What? Oh yeah, so we decided that if we were quite in love- which was obvious, since we made love in the rain- every couple must have sex at nights, and because L just wanted to finally lose his virginity, even if it was in heaven, but we couldn't decide who will be the seme or who will top, and then we decided that we want Misa to be our uke. She's good in bed. I should know." Light stared dreamingly into distance 

for a moment before continuing: "_And _the uke is supposed to be naturally feminine, so it's even less stereotypically yaoi-ish with an actual girl in a threesome between us! And it's also so much fun…"

"…Anyway. Will someone ask Misa-san to die so we can have an uke and fuck with her?" L summarized everything.

Awkward silence again.

"If we'll see the Shinigami, we'll ask him to do so-"

"No way am I killing her! She's interesting!" Ryuk's voice came through the speakers.

"Oh." L frowned. "But still…please? Please, Please, Please, Please ,Please, Please, Please, Please, Please ,Please, Please, Please, Please, Please ,Please, with an apple on top?"

"An apple? Okay, I'll consider it!" Poor Ryuk did not know how non-literal L was being. But he still wasn't sure he wanted that apple. After all, it was just one apple.

"So, anyway, as I was saying," Near finally got the chance to ask his question, "Feel Like some Matsuda for tonight? Some tasty Touda Matsuda?"

"_Nooooooo! _I don't want too be eaten! I'm still so young and I have _so much to live fooooor!" _Matsuda suddenly stopped before continuing:_ "_And you still didn't get Light-kun's eye from me. There you go-" Matsuda _tried _to hand over the brown eye in his hand for Near, but the latter grew more and more panicked with every second as Matsuda suddenly had rainbows hopping around him. _It _was beginning again… yup, it was very much beginning again. Rainbows, Hearts, smiley faces, bubbles, sparkles, puppy dog eyes and glowing/gleaming/sparkling Touta Matsudas…He will _not _touch an eye…_he will not fall under Matsuda's cuteness…_

"Tree-san! _Help! Save! me! Eat! Him! Now! I! Willl! Not! Fall! For! Your! Cuteness! Matsuda!" _

Tree, however, couldn't do anything without the Sakurazukamori there to feed him, and they all watched Near storm out of the building.

Once again, crickets started chirping in the silence. Tree broke the silence and whined, _I'm still hungry! When is Subaru coming back?_

"That's what you get for doing the same thing to each Sakurazukamori you encounter," Seishiro snapped. "Honestly, I can see what made my mother so disturbed… you always _have _to scare the hell out of us Sakurazukamories!"

_A million-something years ago._

_Ten-year-old Seishiro Sakurazuka was happy. His mother had just given him his first soul-eating butterfly net, and along with that he was treated with a make out with her and bloodberry ice cream. Too bad for him his happiness was to be ruined by a tree no less_

"_Feeeeed Meeeeeee…" A haunting voice moaned from somewhere. "Feeeeed meeeeeeee, Seeeeeishirooooo, feeeeed-meeeee!"_

"_Who are you?" Seishro sqeaked, the voice scaring him to no end._

"_I aaaam the saaaaaaandwich in yoooour pooooocket….And the guuuuum on yoooour shoooooe….. the tooooooast in your toooooaster….. the staaaaaars on the skyyyyyy…… I aaaaaam….. EVERYWHERE!"_

"_Really? Wow! Nice to met you, Everywhere-san. But you scared the hell out of me!_

"_I diiiiiiid?"_

"_Yes. You did scare-"_

_Flashback interrupted._

"Stop!" Light shouted to no one in particular. "I _hate _clip shows!"

And then the clone from the last chapter burst into the room suddenly.

"Well? Can I have his eye _now? _Please?! It looks like it will taste like chocolate!"

He was soon followed by a very drunk-looking Mello.

"Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate, ChocolateChocolateChocolateChocolateCHOCOLATECHOCOLATECHOCOLATECHOCOLATE…"

-

I apologize if anything seems to exxagarted or seems like character bashing. I don't actually hate any character featured in this oneshot-drabble thing.


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